who am i?

i haven’t been posting much on account of the fact that

I SEEM TO HAVE MISPLACED ME.
here’s proof.

sit down, friends.

my coupon-collecting friend deb noticed a buddy special thingy

and the next thing you know
i’m setting foot in a gym for the first time in my life.
and, hold tight--
i joined it.
i know i know! i can’t believe it either!
stop laughing and get a load of this next bit--

we have a PERSONAL TRAINER.
no shit!
i won’t tell you her name

but trust me when i tell you that

all 90 lbs of her little hungarian self is trying to kill me.
of course i could totally eat her for breakfast but i won’t because
i think she thinks she can turn me into a very tall glass of water.

this, on the heels of GIVING UP COFFEE and

the LACK OF BEAUTIFUL RED WINE
coursing through my oxygenated blood

has got me all turned around and terribly confused.

or could it be the past 4 months of quiet peaceable YOGA

that prepped me for such pure good clean living?

(granted, it was granny yoga, but that’s another entry).

this little adventure better produce some high and tight ass

or it’s back to bacon and red wine

all day, every day, forever and ever, amen.

whenever jen sees me in these funny blue suede shoes
she says she wants to hug me. because i "look retarded".